A letter to my younger self

I almost forgot that I decided last week that I would link up with Jessica today for her link-up series "Smell the Roses." This week, participants are to write a letter to their younger selves--this could not have come at a better time. And so...

Dear Jennifer,

 I know you are reading this with an attitude--you don't want to listen to some 26-year-old who thinks she has it all together and wants to share her wisdom with you. You have all the answers already, don't you? 

You're right, you are a smart girl, and you should always trust your gut. But, let people in and let them love you. You'll be surprised at what a mush you turn into the older you get. 

I know sometimes you feel lost and unappreciated. I promise you that the people you think least appreciate you now are going to be the ones who most need you and admire you later. 

Keep marching to the beat of your own drum. You are confident, smart and beautiful--you deserve to feel that way every day. Know that every taunt you here and every person who tries to tell you that you are wrong is only going to make you more empathetic and understanding of the marginalized and misunderstood around you.

Believe that you deserve to be loved. I know you've been hurt. I promise that these feelings will pass (even though it feels like they never will) and you will end up in a better place with a better partner by your side.

 

You have excellent intuition. Trust it. Always. It has not lead you astray yet, and I am confident that it will only continue to serve you well.

Don't doubt God. I know you worry. I know how hard it is to trust Him at all times. But, you've been shown His great mercy so many times. Start to believe that He will always provide, and live in that peace.

Be persistent in building the relationships that are important to you, and recognize the ones that are not good for you. Do not feel guilty about doing something that is right for you, even if it may hurt another person's feelings for the time. You will both grow and learn from the experience.

Be open to new experiences. Don't try to control everything. You can't. 

Cherish your family. Be aware of and thankful for the blessings of health, happiness, freedom and comfort that you, and they, experience.

Give what you can. Sometimes, give more than you can. It will be returned to you when you need it most. 

Believe that, someday, you will look back on all of this and know that you were always right where you were supposed to be. Do not regret. Learn. Grow. Gain knowledge. Seek wisdom. Sow love. 

Always,

Me

Confession. Correction.

I need to come clean about some things. I have a problem with eating. I eat a lot of good foods, but I also eat a lot of crap. And I'm sometimes sneaky and dishonest about it.

James' mom going through open heart surgery got me pretty scared--that could be James some day, or even me. We HAVE TO eat better. I have to eat better.

For the first time in my life, I am very aware of the weight I am gaining. I feel it. I feel different. I am aware of this weight that I am carrying around my middle. It is no longer enough to just stand up a little straighter and "suck it in." For the first time in my life, I actually feel fat. I have never really felt that way before--I've never been a woman who calls herself fat or feels bad about the way she looks. And I have always been "bigger" than most of the women around me.

But, now when I say I'm fat, I really am. I weigh 15-20 pounds more than I should. My belly is getting more pronounced. I have been used to buying size 12 dresses (I am usually a size 10) because of my larger than average chest, but now even those dresses are tight.

I'm not finding a scapegoat, but I do think that part of the problem is that I have been in school. Being a student put me on a crazy schedule and stressed me out--both reasons to eat stupid things at stupid times. It also had me home a lot of the time, and when I am home alone, I eat. Today I ate a quarter of a pan of brownies. I'm  home alone and being lazy. Instead of eating brownies, I could have gone to the gym or gone out. But I didn't.

I am disappointed in myself, and for the first time I am also scared. I don't want to be obese. I don't want to be unhealthy. I am looking forward to working and getting back on schedule. I am looking forward to cooking nutritious dinners for James and I. I want to make some promises to myself, and I think that if I put them here, in writing, I might be more likely to keep them. Here goes:

1. I will exercise every day--no excuses. I'm going to map out my workout plan for the week at the beginning of every week, and I'm going to stick with it. Even if I am just working out with a video in my living room, I will do it. 

2. I will have 3 meals and one snack a day. I will be hungry, but I will get through it. 

3. I will not eat sweets for the next 7 days (except for graduation day on Saturday, which I plan to enjoy fully with my family). 

4. I will write down what I eat every day. This has been a great way of keeping me honest in the past, and it will work for me again.

As you can see, my issue is mostly my eating. I know that if I get that into gear, I will lose weight, and probably pretty quickly. I don't expect (or want) to be a stick figure. I like my curves and my "squishies" (as James calls my plush-ness). This is not so much about how I look, but how I feel and how I know I should be. And no, this is not about my wedding and fitting into the dress. The dress fits right now and it looks great.

This is about being a healthier me and making sure that my 30-year-old son isn't standing at the end of my hospital bed, crying, after seeing me come out of heart surgery. It is about my husband knowing that I will be there for him and with him as we celebrate the lives of our grandkids.

If you feel like you need to make some changes for your body and your health, let me know. I would love to talk and be a buddy for someone. This is HARD, and I know I won't be doing it alone. Thank you in advance for your support.

It's official...

...I have a job! On May 21st I will become the Case Manager at the assisted living facility where I interned last year! I am BEYOND excited, and I can't wait to get started. I will share the whole story of how I got the job once I get started. For now, even though I have few local readers, I don't want to put too many details out there.

The important part is that I will be employed! And that I will be employed doing something I love in a place that I love with people that I love!

Thanks for listening to all of my crap-ola over the past two years as I've gotten through grad school--it has been nice to be able to share life here with you all:)

Thursday 13: About Me

Thursday 13 is linking up over at All Things Lovely today--check it out and link up, will ya!?

Today's theme is 13 Things About Me. It's funny, I came up with the idea, but I have no idea what to write! I think I'll stick to basics, which will be helpful to you newer readers:)

1. I was born on Long Island, but raised in Connecticut.

Source: etsy.com via Aida on Pinterest

2. I have three siblings--two brothers and a sister. And I have a lovely sister-in-law. My older brother and sister-in-law are the parents to my cutie-patootie nephew!

3. I attended The College of Saint Rose in Albany, NY for my undergraduate degree in Special Education.

4. In two weeks, I am graduating from University at Albany with my Master of Social Work degree, with a specialization in gerontology.

5. I am engaged to the most amazing man in the whole world (or at least in my world) and we are getting married in September!

6. We have a sweet kitty named Cuddles whom I write about more often than I probably care to admit...

7. I would really like to start my own business at some point.

8. I am Catholic, but probably more liberal than you would expect me to be--people don't understand Catholics these days.

9. My favorite color is green.

Source: porchlightinteriors.blogspot.com via Jennifer on Pinterest

10. I really like taking pictures, but sometimes I get too shy to whip out my camera. Blame my lack of daily photos on my shy-ness!

11. I love my parents. A lot. I never really went through one of those "I hate my parents" phases.

12. I am pretty emotional and really intense. At least that's how James would describe me.

13. As of today, I am pretty sure that I am going to be starting an amazing job in a few weeks. Fingers crossed. Yeeeeee!

Source: flickr.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Because I owe you a post about me...

A. Age: 26. It's a good age on me.

B. Bed size: Queen.

C. Chore you hate: Laundry. That's why James does it most of the time.

D. Dogs: Just a cat who acts like a dog.

E. Essential start to your day: Food and toe-touches.

F. Favorite Color: Green and red, but only together in December.

G. Gold or Silver: Gold--yellow gold.

H. Height: 5'8" (I think)

I. Instruments you play: I can dabble on the piano, and would still love to learn guitar.

J. Job Title: Professional interviewee...I've been on a lot of interviews the past few weeks.

K. Kids: Yes, please! Would like to have a baby some time next year.

L. Live: Lovely little apartment:)

M. Mother's Name: Um...Mom?

N. Nicknames: Benny

O. Overnight hospital stays: Never (except birth, I suppose)

P. Pet peeves: People bringing every conversation back to something about themselves. It's okay to LISTEN sometimes!

Q. Quote from a movie: "Over the mysteries of female life there is drawn a veil best left undisturbed." -Little Women

R. Right or left-handed: Right.

S. Siblings: 4 "real", one "in-law", two "almost in-law", one that I really hope becomes "in-law" some day... ;)

T. Time you wake up: Anywhere between 5:30 and 6:30

U. Underwear: yes?

V. Vegetable you hate: Beets!

X. X-rays: I've had a few...

Y. Yummy food: Anything sweet!

Z. Zoo animal: Giraffes. They are so cool!

6!

I need to start off with a little bragging. I applied for six jobs over the past 24 hours--boo-yah! Applying for jobs is a lot of work. First, you have to actually find them. Do you know how hard it is to find social worker job listings? Hard. Then, you have to write a different cover letter for each position. Yes, you can use the same basic format and some of the same sentences/paragraphs, but you want them to stress different skills based on the position. Then you  have to print everything out, stuff envelopes, use really nice handwriting to address the envelopes, and bring them to the post office to make sure you put enough postage on them--and it's a good thing I checked because they need three stamps, not the two I thought they would! At any rate, I am on a roll, and I'm excited to start hearing back!!! That is to say if I hear back...praying hard for SOMETHING to come through!

We also moved around a bunch of furniture this weekend and we are looking to paint our bedrooms and living room this spring. I should post pictures of the changes, but I haven't taken any yet. So, in the meantime, familiarize yourself with what the apartment looked like when we first moved in. I'll post pictures of the changes tomorrow--I'm loving what we did. Now, I really want to paint the walls and work on some new wall art, some of which we registered for and hope to receive as gifts for our wedding. I should do a whole post about the registering process--wow!

So as to not make this post too word-heavy (or have I already done that?), let me show you some (p)inspiration for paint colors...from Pinterest, of course!

Source: younghouselove.com via Jennifer on Pinterest

I'm not sure if we should do something neutral in the guest room/office...

Source: dwellingsanddecor.tumblr.com via Jennifer on Pinterest

..or have fun with some blue!

Source: colourmehappyblog.blogspot.com via Jennifer on Pinterest

Thinking about buttery yellow in the living room...

Source: younghouselove.com via Jennifer on Pinterest

..or maybe something a little deeper.

Source: 10rooms.blogspot.com via Jennifer on Pinterest

I'm pretty sure about green walls in the bedroom, paired with the new grey bedding that we are registered for--I love these colors together!

Jealous much?

Searching for jobs...searching for jobs....searching for jobs.....applying, applying, applying. 

See you next week!

Source: someecards.com via Jennifer on Pinterest

I still wish "couch" was the healthier option...

This morning I began my "Couch to 5K" training. If you haven't heard of it, I'm not going to explain it for you--just go read about it here. My guess is that it sort of rings a bell with you.

I first heard the catchy little phrase being tossed around at our gym, but at that point I was still morally opposed to running. Okay, not morally, but physically and emotionally. Listen, I never cheated in school, except when it came to running the mile in gym. Okay, that's pretty sad.

Anyway, I was recently talking to a classmate and she mentioned that she and her boyfriend were starting their own Couch to 5K training, and she told me about the website I linked above. I checked it out and realized that it really didn't look that difficult. I can run 60 second spurts, and then work my way up.

And so, that brings me to today. I got out there in this gorgeous weather (seriously, perfect running weather), and I ran for the first time since high school. It actually felt really good! I'm pleasantly surprised!

My only problem (and one that I have been having lately on my walks) is that my ankles hurt. I'm wondering if it is an arch issue, or just a joint issue since I don't usually use my ankles in that way. It's a pretty sharp pain--more than just sore. If you have any suggestions, let me know! I have another pair of sneakers that I will try tomorrow and see if the problem persists, or maybe I just need to give it a few weeks.

Obviously, I still wish "couch" was the healthier option, but I think I'm going to like this running business once I get myself going!

No, I'm not in pain, it's my "GRRR, I'm strong!" face (post workout)

Post Workout

I'm writing a second post today. It's about working out. It's not about hating to work out, which is how I feel when my alarm first goes off at 5:30 a.m. It's about loving the feeling that comes after working out, which is how I feel now!

I feel:

strong

healthy

energized

more self-control

like I can eat well all day

accomplished

hopeful

I have to keep these feelings in mind when I am awakened out of sleep, the world is still dark, and I have no desire to get out from under my covers. I'm really going to try!

New Eyes!

I finally got to the eye doctor on Saturday and ordered some new glasses to replace my pair that was all scratched up.

What do ya think?

I haven't had dark plastic-frame glasses in a long time...I think since freshman year of college...but I wanted to go back to them for a while, and I'm glad I did. I also got a second pair for only $89 that are really similar to my old pair, because I like that style a lot, too. I'll debut those when they come in, but they are not quite as exciting. 

For a day that started kind of crappily--Cuddles pooping on the guest bed, me freaking out about life and having a temper tantrum (yup, that still happens)--it ended really nicely with new glasses, a tasty dinner prepared by James, clean laundry and, in a little while, some Bible reading with my man. 

Life is good. I know this to be true even in the midst of my trials.

And I "vlog," too!

 

Just adding another element to What's Mine Is Yours...vlogs! Hope you enjoy my first one!

I haven't done this since I was a kid...

...Made resolutions, that is. But, the start of a new year does seem like a good time to take inventory of your life and see how you might improve yourself and your character. So, I suppose I'll jump on the bandwagon this year and make a few resolutions that I think I can actually achieve. Because nothing is worse than feeling like a failure before you even get started!

1. This is so cliche, but I really do want to lose some weight and get healthier. No, I don't think I'm a huge, ugly person. But, the reality is that I am carrying around about 15 extra pounds that my body was probably not built to carry, and I need to get in shape and get healthy. Around this time last year, I joined a gym and was doing really well! But, in June, I pulled my back out and was, by doctor's orders, not allowed to work out. Well, that got me out of the swing of things and into bad habits and...6 months later, I've been to the gym once and it was awful. Needless to say, I'd like to start going again, but also supplementing with some exercise that I can do at home (since it is unrealistic for me to go to the gym more than about two times a week, at least at this point in my life). So, that resolution #1, and a big one, I know, but it is important to me and I hope it will rub off on James too!

Maybe we'll try this to get us motivated:

Source: pinterest.com via Jennifer on Pinterest

2. Talk less, say more. I have a book of proverbs with this title, and I always liked it. How do you talk less and say more? I've always admired those quiet people who say a lot with only a few words. And, while I know I'll never be one of them, I'd like to try to learn from them and use my words more wisely so as to relay more meaning with everything I say.

Source: bitsotruth.blogspot.com via Tiffany on Pinterest

3. Get back to the Word. I am so lazy about reading scripture, and even about my relationship with God. It's so easy to take it for granted, put it on the back burner, say that you'll do it tomorrow....the list goes on! But, I really want to get right and get tight with my God again! So, the Bible is going next to my bed, the quest for a good devotional is on, and I am going to do my best to put as much energy into my relationship with God as I do so many other less important things.

Source: Uploaded by user via Laura on Pinterest

I also have some 2012 goals/things I am looking forward to accomplishing:
1. Graduating from graduate school!
2. Finding a job I love.
3. Planning a kick-butt wedding and reception!
4. Marrying my best friend and becoming a wife!! Wahoo!!!!
5. Learning to become a better sewer.
6. Buying a new camera--not as fancy as I had planned, but a new toy nonetheless.
7. Building some really great new friendships and working on existing relationships.
8. Getting pregnant...too soon? Maybe, but I won't complain if it happens! Should I have waited until 2013 for this one...? ;)

At any rate, enough about me (though this is my blog), and more importantly for you: 

Have a wonderful, happy, healthy, joyous, blessed New Year!!! 

Click.

I've been at my current internship since August, but today I felt a real "click" with everything that I've been working on. There are a lot of projects that I've been doing bits and pieces on, but one in particular that I have been doing quite a bit of research for and work on. I feel sort of like it is my baby, and I want to see it through.

Today I was given that opportunity by writing up a proposal, spending 2.5 hours pouring over spreadsheets and crunching numbers with my supervisor, and eventually preparing something that our commissioner can share with the fiscal team on Monday.

There is so much to learn in this field, and it has been a really big learning curve for me, but today was my "click" moment, and I feel really good about it!

That being said...TGIF! I am looking forward to a festive weekend of Christmas decorating, craft-fairing, cooking, eating and strolling. Enjoy your weekend!

Fortune

For one of the first times in my graduate degree career, I am sitting in the library on a Saturday morning. James had plans for the morning anyway, and we are getting together with friends for the afternoon, so I thought I might as well be productive and get a few hours of work in rather than wasting my time at home (which I am very good at!).

via

As I walked into the library this morning and stuck my keys in my coat pocket, I found the fortune cookie from the Chinese takeout I got last night. I decided to open it up--maybe it would give me some wisdom. Well, I was pleasantly surprised to see my fotune: "You are working hard."

Yes, I am. And I can feel it paying off!

my hand hurts and my sweet tooth is disappointed

I'm on campus right now. I just finished eating a tasty sandwich, prepared by James, and a juicy green pear. But, I was still in need of a little something sweet, so I scrounged my change purse for $1.25 and set my sights on a bag of peanut M&Ms from the vending machine. I'm sure you can guess the rest of my sad tale. My M&Ms got stuck and wouldn't fall down the slot. I gave the machine a few good bangs with the heel of my hand--to no avail. So now I have a tingly hand and an even more intense desire for peanut M&Ms.

Not surprisingly, I was having second thoughts about whether I should get myself a treat in the first place. You see, I've been paying little attention to what I've been eating lately. Case in point: we bought a package of Oreos on Sunday. James ate 6. The package is empty. You do the math. So, did I need M&Ms today? Definitely not! Do I still want them? Definitely yes! Is this a sign that I need to stop eating crap whenever I want to? I'm sure of it. Darn--I've been caught! I'm going to work on it. I am. I'll start right after tonight's dessert.

Today I am Wearing a Sweater

The last time I wore this sweater, I was asked by a colleague when my baby was due. Really? I don't take offense at this because I know that I don't look pregnant, but I still was sort of stunned. If I get any funny looks today, this sweater is going in the good-bye pile.

 

 What do you think? Am I looking pregnant today?

Academic Writer's Block

Source: None via Jennifer on Pinterest

Every semester, there is one paper that my brain just resists writing. I've reached that paper in this semester. To make matters worse, the class during which it was due was canceled last night, so my plan to write the paper yesterday and hand it in last night was a royal debacle! Hence, I am still working on writing my paper tonight (after I told myself I would do it this morning). I'm starting to wonder how many times I can push it off! A few minutes ago, I told myself that tonight is the night! ... but I'm having second thoughts. The wonderful thing about finishing this paper (eventually) is that, then, I will have met my semester quota for one paper that I just cannot convince myself to write (but eventually do). So, until approximately February, this "blocked" writer bids you adieu.

"It's Ok" Thursday

I'm linking up with Neely today for "It's Ok" Thursday. I like this little exercise as a good way to get my random thoughts for the week out and about.

So, it's ok...

...to still not understand Medicaid and Medicare after almost two months of interning.
...that the pile of papers on my desk just keeps growing.
...that I went to DiBella's to pick up dinner tonight with an obviously tear-stained face.
...that's everything's not always ok.
...that I came home from work and got right in bed instead of making dinner and prepping chili for tomorrow night's dinner.
...to go to bed without working on homework--what doesn't happen today might get done tomorrow.
...that I sound sort of down, because I sort of am--when can my life be a little less stressful again? Come on graduation day!
...that I forgot what scholarship I was receiving today at the Scholarship Luncheon and might have said the wrong one when I introduced myself.
...that tomorrow is Friday and I will be seeing Gabriel (and his lovely parents) on Saturday!
...to say "no" when you need to.
...that I had sort of a funky hair day...I'm learning to use the curling iron instead of the flat-iron...

Sorry for the sort of negative comments for today--it has been a WEEK! Let me tell you! I'm pretty much emotionally and physically drained from school, internships, some personal stuff...But I always have faith that things will improve, and after another good talk with James tonight, I know they will. Thanks for playing "It's Ok" with me:) 

The Naked Truth

It's been a little too long since my last post. I know, I know. I'm so exciting, you wish I wrote a post every day!

Well, this girl's a little busy for that now that the semester has officially begun, but I will try to keep up better than I did last year.

You may be asking yourself what happened to my 30 Day Photo Challenge. The answer is that I'm a bit behind, but I will be making up all of the posts eventually--probably in a few more chunks. It's just what happens when you get busy!

Now, without any more blibber-blabber, let's get on to the focus of today's post. I said naked! Ooohhh..scandalous! For some of you readers, it may sound scandalous now, but you'll like my message.

I've been thinking a lot about body image lately and the way that women in my generation regard their bodies. I'll tell you, most of us don't like our bodies. Frighteningly, according to the Social Issues Research Centre, 80% of 4th grade girls have been on a fad diet. What the hell? When I was in 4th grade I don't think I even knew what a diet was. Of course, I was still wearing cotton shorts with elastic waists and t-shirts with cartoon characters on them. What would the 10-year-old fashionistas of today think of 10-year-old me?

Unfortunately, I couldn't find the entire article, but just this blurb from a University of Colorado article reported that 2 out of 5 women would trade three to five years of their life in order to achieve their weight goals. Sure, maybe some of those women are obese so achieving weight goals seems worth it (though I still disagree), but I'm guessing that most of them are not any bigger than me. How sad. Give up years of life to be what? Prettier? Sexier? What is it really about?

I don't think we can blame it on Barbie anymore. Heck, who needs Barbie to tell us what we should look like when there are real, live girls walking around flaunting their flat bellies, skinny thighs and scrawny arms? But is that what we should look like? Is that really a healthy way to live our lives? And who are we impressing?

The funny thing is, we blame it on guys. We need to look "hot" when we go out so we can impress the guys. Guys don't want a "fat" girl. I don't think it's about impressing men at all. I think it's all about the women. How sick is that? I know that I'm certainly more apt to primp when I'm going to be around females than when spending time with men. I worry more about what the other girls will think of me than what men think of me. Maybe that's just me, but I don't think it is. I think that women are cruel and awful to each other. We are constantly comparing ourselves to each other. And you know who intimidates me the most these days: teenage girls. I can't imagine being 16 again. Teenage girls these days are itty-bitty, uber-trendy, and incredibly catty.

So, why bring all of this up? Do I have an answer for you? No. Sadly, no answer here. Not yet. But this is something I want to start talking about more and thinking about because something needs to change in our thinking about ourselves.

Praise God, I have come to love my body over the past few years. I'm going to admit that a lot of that has to do with being loved by a man who tells me I'm beautiful every day--that certainly helps! But I get that not everyone has a man to tell them that. So start telling yourself! And surround yourself with women who tell you you're beautiful and don't compete with you to look like anyone but you! Fall in love with your work, your personality, your hobby. Work on being a beautiful daughter, friend and neighbor. Accept yourself--your strengths, and even your flaws. Laugh at yourself. Tease yourself. Let things go. Take care of yourself--dress your body well, take care of your skin and hair. Love yourself--your good and bad, your made-up and dressed-down, your sad and happy. Because the other component to loving your body, as I've found, is loving your spirit. Why are happy people so darn beautiful? Get happy and find out.

Day 1: self portrait

As I said, today is the perfect day for a self portrait because I just got home from getting my hair cut. And boy did I get it CUT! I could not be happier with the way it turned out. My hairdresser is pretty much awesome, and he has not an amazing job with my hair at all of its various lengths. I think this cut is going to stick around for a while though. So, without further ado, my self portrait.

 Can't wait to style it on my own and have some fun with a REAL hairstyle!!! So long ponytails--you're just not for me!