James' mom going through open heart surgery got me pretty scared--that could be James some day, or even me. We HAVE TO eat better. I have to eat better.
For the first time in my life, I am very aware of the weight I am gaining. I feel it. I feel different. I am aware of this weight that I am carrying around my middle. It is no longer enough to just stand up a little straighter and "suck it in." For the first time in my life, I actually feel fat. I have never really felt that way before--I've never been a woman who calls herself fat or feels bad about the way she looks. And I have always been "bigger" than most of the women around me.
But, now when I say I'm fat, I really am. I weigh 15-20 pounds more than I should. My belly is getting more pronounced. I have been used to buying size 12 dresses (I am usually a size 10) because of my larger than average chest, but now even those dresses are tight.
I'm not finding a scapegoat, but I do think that part of the problem is that I have been in school. Being a student put me on a crazy schedule and stressed me out--both reasons to eat stupid things at stupid times. It also had me home a lot of the time, and when I am home alone, I eat. Today I ate a quarter of a pan of brownies. I'm home alone and being lazy. Instead of eating brownies, I could have gone to the gym or gone out. But I didn't.
I am disappointed in myself, and for the first time I am also scared. I don't want to be obese. I don't want to be unhealthy. I am looking forward to working and getting back on schedule. I am looking forward to cooking nutritious dinners for James and I. I want to make some promises to myself, and I think that if I put them here, in writing, I might be more likely to keep them. Here goes:
1. I will exercise every day--no excuses. I'm going to map out my workout plan for the week at the beginning of every week, and I'm going to stick with it. Even if I am just working out with a video in my living room, I will do it.
2. I will have 3 meals and one snack a day. I will be hungry, but I will get through it.
3. I will not eat sweets for the next 7 days (except for graduation day on Saturday, which I plan to enjoy fully with my family).
4. I will write down what I eat every day. This has been a great way of keeping me honest in the past, and it will work for me again.
As you can see, my issue is mostly my eating. I know that if I get that into gear, I will lose weight, and probably pretty quickly. I don't expect (or want) to be a stick figure. I like my curves and my "squishies" (as James calls my plush-ness). This is not so much about how I look, but how I feel and how I know I should be. And no, this is not about my wedding and fitting into the dress. The dress fits right now and it looks great.
This is about being a healthier me and making sure that my 30-year-old son isn't standing at the end of my hospital bed, crying, after seeing me come out of heart surgery. It is about my husband knowing that I will be there for him and with him as we celebrate the lives of our grandkids.
If you feel like you need to make some changes for your body and your health, let me know. I would love to talk and be a buddy for someone. This is HARD, and I know I won't be doing it alone. Thank you in advance for your support.
