Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Confession. Correction.

I need to come clean about some things. I have a problem with eating. I eat a lot of good foods, but I also eat a lot of crap. And I'm sometimes sneaky and dishonest about it.

James' mom going through open heart surgery got me pretty scared--that could be James some day, or even me. We HAVE TO eat better. I have to eat better.

For the first time in my life, I am very aware of the weight I am gaining. I feel it. I feel different. I am aware of this weight that I am carrying around my middle. It is no longer enough to just stand up a little straighter and "suck it in." For the first time in my life, I actually feel fat. I have never really felt that way before--I've never been a woman who calls herself fat or feels bad about the way she looks. And I have always been "bigger" than most of the women around me.

But, now when I say I'm fat, I really am. I weigh 15-20 pounds more than I should. My belly is getting more pronounced. I have been used to buying size 12 dresses (I am usually a size 10) because of my larger than average chest, but now even those dresses are tight.

I'm not finding a scapegoat, but I do think that part of the problem is that I have been in school. Being a student put me on a crazy schedule and stressed me out--both reasons to eat stupid things at stupid times. It also had me home a lot of the time, and when I am home alone, I eat. Today I ate a quarter of a pan of brownies. I'm  home alone and being lazy. Instead of eating brownies, I could have gone to the gym or gone out. But I didn't.

I am disappointed in myself, and for the first time I am also scared. I don't want to be obese. I don't want to be unhealthy. I am looking forward to working and getting back on schedule. I am looking forward to cooking nutritious dinners for James and I. I want to make some promises to myself, and I think that if I put them here, in writing, I might be more likely to keep them. Here goes:

1. I will exercise every day--no excuses. I'm going to map out my workout plan for the week at the beginning of every week, and I'm going to stick with it. Even if I am just working out with a video in my living room, I will do it. 

2. I will have 3 meals and one snack a day. I will be hungry, but I will get through it. 

3. I will not eat sweets for the next 7 days (except for graduation day on Saturday, which I plan to enjoy fully with my family). 

4. I will write down what I eat every day. This has been a great way of keeping me honest in the past, and it will work for me again.

As you can see, my issue is mostly my eating. I know that if I get that into gear, I will lose weight, and probably pretty quickly. I don't expect (or want) to be a stick figure. I like my curves and my "squishies" (as James calls my plush-ness). This is not so much about how I look, but how I feel and how I know I should be. And no, this is not about my wedding and fitting into the dress. The dress fits right now and it looks great.

This is about being a healthier me and making sure that my 30-year-old son isn't standing at the end of my hospital bed, crying, after seeing me come out of heart surgery. It is about my husband knowing that I will be there for him and with him as we celebrate the lives of our grandkids.

If you feel like you need to make some changes for your body and your health, let me know. I would love to talk and be a buddy for someone. This is HARD, and I know I won't be doing it alone. Thank you in advance for your support.

3 comments:

Maggie B. said...

Oh Jenn.... I understand how you feel. I've been struggling with my weight for years, but this year has been the worst. I'm eating better (most of the time) and I have a physical scheduled in July to have blood work done and the like. And I'm nervous for it.

I've started the 30 Day Shred, but I've only done 3 days in the last 2 weeks. I can't commit to exercising every day, but I usually take a 20 minute walk during lunch if the weather isn't snowing/raining. Otherwise, I try and do the 20 minute shred workout a few times a week.

I'll totally be your buddy. I currently wear a dress size of 18/XL and weigh about 205. That puts me about 55 lbs over where I should be. I'll see what the dr. says in July, but I'm trying hard to loose it.

Cooking at home helps a lot - you can totally control what you eat. And I try really hard not to keep sweets/junk in the house at all. Doesn't always work {says the 1/4 bag of fritos I ate last night} but mostly I do alright.

I also use myfitnesspal app on my phone, but you can do it online at www.myfitnesspal.com and you can track your exercise and calories and the like.

Good luck!

Kristen said...

I really hope that talking about it helps keep you accountable! It really helps for me to do this too. I'm glad you're making these decisions for all of the right reasons, and not just because you think you need to look a certain way.

I'm totally on your team, and I know you can meet your goals!

momnextdoor said...

I've never had a weight issue but after my second child I didn't lose enough of it and I was not fitting into any of my clothes, and often still wearing maternity clothes (over 2 years later). I still wouldn't have categorized myself as fat but I knew I was gaining and it didn't seem to be stopping. I had to do something. I'm still struggling with the eating part (says the potato chips and chocolate chip cookies and...) but I have gotten down the exercising part. I've been working out since Dec. 29. I've been able to stay with it for 5 months! 5 months! And while my goal is to work out every week day, some days I can't get out of bed. The best decision I made was to not get discouraged about missing a day. One skipped day does not undo all my hard work. Even if I go two days in a row, as long as I start up again I don't get down on myself. I've being doing work out DVD's and they've been really great. Mostly Jillian Michael's (30-day shred, Ripped in 30, and now Yoga Meltdown). I hate her but she gets results. That's all that matters! I started out with the 30 day shred and convinced myself I could do it for 30 days, after 30 days I'd reevaluate and see where I was. Where I was was stronger, leaner, and loving it. Switching it up has also helped. I now rotate DVD's so each day I'm doing something different. While you need to find what works and stick to it, you also need to allow yourself flexibility.

I'd be very happy to be your buddy! Let's do this thing!!!!

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