Being in graduate school doesn't feel like a good enough excuse to be so busy and so absent from parts of my life in which I want to be so present. And yet, I find myself absolutely consumed with all things MSW. If I'm not in class, I'm preparing for class. If I'm not reading books and articles, I'm at one of my two internships. If I'm not at my internships, I'm at a meeting or a training.
My mind and body feel pulled in so many directions, and honestly I feel like I'm not doing a great job at anything that I am involved in. I never have all of my readings done. I write papers at the last minute. I am learning the ways of my internships so slowly that I feel I'm still "new" at them. I don't know if it is me or the program--if I should blame myself or perhaps the makeup of the program. In true social work fashion, it's time for some heavy duty analysis of my situation.
Today I got all the way to my internship only to open my calendar and realize I was supposed to be at my seminar. The time of realization: 8:50am. Start time of seminar: 9am. Time to travel there by car: 20 minutes. Did I have a car? No. Did I have to take a bus that only runs every 30 minutes? Yes. Was I late? You betcha! For those of you who know me, you know that I am not one to forget where I am supposed to be. But boy, I am becoming forgetful! Or, is it just frazzled? Overwhelmed?
My frustration is that I'm beginning to doubt the value of all of this if I feel that I am unable to process it and make sense of it. Because right now I feel like I am just rushing from one thing to the next and not really letting anything simmer. I'll tell you what is simmering, though. My nerves. What am I getting out of this experience? Am I going to graduate in 7 months with a pile of loans and my head spinning, not really being able to make sense of what happened to me over the past two years?
The truth is, I have no answers right now. I am just as overwhelmed as can be and feeling sort of indifferent about the whole thing. That's not how I want to feel about school, but right now it is. And, in the meantime, I'm missing the things in my life that I really want to make time for, like being here, writing to you. Hanging out with my friends. Sewing. Making jewelry. Reading for pleasure. Baking. Exercising.
So, for the next 7 months, you might here a lot from me along this vein and tone. And I'm sorry for that. But I leave you with this positive spin on it all. Every experience I have, easy or difficult, happy or sad, I learn something new about myself. I learn my likes and dislikes. I learn something about my style, my tolerance, my beliefs. So, I want to look at these next 7 months like that, and I want whatever the rest of this experience is to be a part of who I am and who I will become. Ultimately, I can't ask for much more than that.
Thanks for listening, and please tune back for happier, less tired Jenn soon!